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Three Hundred Sixty Six.

I know what you’re thinking.

Nope. I still don’t have any answers. And I still don’t feel like a grown up. Maybe slightly closer, but I still don’t even want to have to take care of a houseplant.

SIDENOTE: Somehow I manage to keep my dogs alive and happy. I don’t know how that works. Life Math is weird.

…Maybe I’m just not a green thumb.

Anyway.

My BFF Jo texted me yesterday and said, “It’s your last day as a 26 year old.”

At first I kind of panicked. Holy shitballs. 26. It’s over. I feel like it just started. I know it sounds like a super cliche, but in some ways, it really was like the blink of an eye.

I started this blog a year ago as a challenge to myself as a writer. Early in 2012, I kind of lost faith in myself. I hit a major rough patch and thought wow, maybe I’m actually a terrible writer. Maybe I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I don’t want to ever write again. Of course, I eventually came around and realized that writing is the thing I love the most. And in the same vein, I knew that if I wanted to be a writer, I’d have to write.

But I was kind of scared.

So I promised myself I would write something every day.

I wasn’t really expecting that forcing myself to write a blog post every day – a story that somehow led to me learning a life lesson, no matter how small – would help me be happy. I saw it as much more of an exercise than anything else. And an opportunity to maybe be funny. But I have to say, writing this blog has given me a completely different outlook on my entire life. It’s helped me understand how my past has made me who I am. It’s helped me work through a lot of difficult times and put a positive spin on things I would have never otherwise laughed at. It’s helped me approach life in a much more open, accepting way.

Like, happen to me, life: I’m ready to learn from you.

That was a disaster. Oh well, next time will be better!

I can’t believe that just happened. I am mortified. Also, that was hilarious. I can’t wait to tell people.

I did it! Someone pat me on the fucking back!

I hate everything right now. Surely someone will understand.

I am hurting. I need to know it’s going to be okay.

This is weird. Does everyone feel this way?

Did that just happen? SRSLY?!

At the same time, I had come to a bit of a crossroads with myself. I had hit a self-love low. I was feeling depressed, defeated, discouraged, you name it. I decided enough was enough: it was time to make the active decision to be happy.

I also discovered that Jayne Mansfield had stretchmarks. And my world was turned upside down. In a good way.

To quote myself (is that totally pretentious? I’m trying to recap, shut up.):

Jayne Mansfield, the American actress, singer, Playboy playmate, and all around drop-dead gorgeous bombshell, was flawed in a way that has been the root of much of my self-consciousness for all of my teenage and adult life.

So…all of that got me here.

SIDENOTE: It’s really hard writing the last post of a 365-day blog.

It’s going to be difficult to let this blog go. I know I’m going to wake up tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and my first thought is going to be, “What can I write about today?” or, “Oh shit! I still have to blog today!”

But I’m looking forward to channelling my creative energy into a number of other projects that I’ve already either started or am about to. So I guess what I’m saying is I’m not going anywhere. Maybe there will be another blog. Maybe not. But I promise there will be something.

I was trying to think of a fun way to commemorate the end of this blog.

Here’s what I came up with.

Jayne Mansfield had stretchmarks.

jayne

And so do I.

Image2

xA

P.S. It’s hilariously ironic that in the majority of the pin-up photos I took, my stretchmarks aren’t that visible. Because they’re everywhere.

But I guess there’s a life lesson in that, isn’t there?

I’m probably the only one who really notices them.

Image7_2

P.P.S. Things I meant to write but forgot: Happy Birthday to me! Also, here’s to 27! I’m crazy excited for it!

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Three Hundred Sixty Five.

I know this is a 365-day blog, but this is technically the penultimate post, because it’s a birthday to birthday thing. And tomorrow’s my birthday!

600px-US_27.svg

SIDENOTE: Have you bought me a birthday present yet? We can’t be friends if you didn’t because all I care about is material possessions.

Anyway, I thought what better way to spend the second-last day of my crazy year-long blog than looking back on some of its best moments?

SIDENOTE: Maybe that should say best/”best”…

Think of this, if you will, as a flashback episode of your favourite TV sitcom. With the help of a couple friends, I’ve compiled some categories I think you’ll enjoy.

Without further ado…

Top 5 Stupid Kid Moments

photo(1)

Oh boy. Where to even start with this one?! Well, okay…

1. Pressing buttons was (OKAY, STILL IS) a thing I loved doing. See examples A and B.

2. Of course, there was the time I electrocuted myself

3. The day I put scissors through my finger

4. Setting fire to things is never a good idea.

5. Neither is writing a hate letter to your childhood friend.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

I have to give honourable mention to the day I learned that “bastard” is a bad word. Oh, and also to the combination of shaving off my eyebrows and getting hair extensions.

And guess what?! It’s your lucky day. I found a photo of teenage Andrea with hair extensions and no eyebrows. And apparently I have no shame because I’m gonna post it on the Internet.

Extensions

Boy oh boy oh boy.

Moving on!

Top 5 Most Awkward Moments

If you haven’t deduced by now, I am the QUEEN OF AWKWARD. This is quite the random assortment, but I feel it encompasses who I am pretty well…

1. The day a goat ate my t-shirt. (Enough said.) (Stupid goats.) (Seriously, why would she do that to me?!) (Ugh.) (I fucking loved that t-shirt.) (SOB.)

2. The day I learned about orgasms in sex ed. (Is anyone else craving cake?!)

3. Barrel-chested. That is all.

4. The day the National Poet of Scotland called me stupid. Which I really should add to my resume.

5. My elementary school “boobies” moment.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

There are so, so many, but I feel like my Pilates FAIL and my Zumba BARF moments were pretty grand.

Top 5 “SRSLY?!” Moments

You know those moments. The ones that make you go, “what the fucking?!”

1. People and my tattoos. Why are people so weird about my tattoos?

2. That time a guy threw a book at my face. No big deal.

3. NO I DON’T WANT TO TAN.

4. Nothing says “what the fuck?” like getting pepper sprayed!

5. Also charming: when people tell you how to pronounce your own name

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

I have to give myself a shout out for fucking up my neck by making fun of someone on a Zumba DVD. Because who the fuck does that? This girl, right here.

But the greatest honourable mention in this category goes to Glasgow, Scotland, where I experienced so many WTF things, including…

Finding a tooth in an ATM.

Finding a used tampon on a bus.

And buses in general.

Among so many others. I fucking love you, Glasgow. I really do.

Top 5 Workplace Blunders

It’s a wonder I still have my job. It really is. It’s also a wonder I still have any self-confidence after all of the stupid humbling things that have happened to me at work…

1. My friends still bring up the day I parked on the sidewalk.

2. Also charming: locking yourself in a stairwell on your first day of work.

3. Or, you know, getting caught dancing in the bathroom.

4. Similarly, walking in on your coworkers in the bathroom.

5. Or traumatizing them with your hair colour.

BONUS PHOTO:

Getting caught taking a selfie at work.

Work selfie

At least I know my office mate loves me and doesn’t judge me.

Top 5 Relationship/Sex Fails

Look. I’d prefer we don’t dwell on how much I suck at relationships, okay? OKAY?!

1. I have been known to throw myself at guys I like.

2. I’ve learned the hard way that spin the bottle will only break your heart.

3. So will going after guys who don’t care that you exist. (But you can keep trying to shout “LOVE ME! LOOOOOVE MEEEE!” at them. Trust me. Guys SUPER love that.)

4. I’m good at ending up in awkward sex situations.

5. And awkward kissing situations, sometimes.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS AND A BONUS PHOTO:

Okay, well, first of all, heartbreak, right?

I think I also screwed it up with this guy, because he was clearly paying me a compliment.

Let’s not forget all of my failed marriages. Sigh.

And the time a MONSTER RASH ruined my potential Scottish boyfriend.

And hey, since I’ve already shown you how great I looked with hair extensions as an eyebrowless wonder, here’s a photo of me in the midst of the MONSTER RASH attack. This was after I managed to get my eyes open, because they were swollen shut.

Photo 130

Good lord…

Top 5 Accomplishments

I didn’t screw up everything, though. I’ve done some stuff. Yeah. I do things! I TCB every once in a while!

1. I’ve gotten over a lot of fear to become a Zumba instructor.

2. Then I stuck with it for a year and changed my life.

3. I grew back my eyebrows, guys. I fucking did it!

4. I got over some serious “I can’t!” bullshit and also tried wall climbing.

5. Oh, hey, I also learned how to embrace myself sometimes. I think that’s pretty huge.

HONOURABLE MENTION:

I BLOGGED EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 365 FUCKING DAYS.

A year, guys. A YEAR.

I’m excited to celebrate my birthday with you all tomorrow.

xA

P.S. I know what you’re thinking. There totally should have been some sort of crazy travel category. But I just couldn’t narrow that shit down. So you’ll just have to re-read my entire blog to enjoy.

One Hundred Sixty Two.

Remember how my BFF Mags and I went to Sweden while we were in a post-master’s-thesis haze? And we had all sorts of bizarre conversations that made no sense whatsoever? And then we got totally lost in a folk park?

That amazing folk park is called Skansen. It’s in Stockholm, and it’s HUGE.

Just a small piece of the park's map.
Just a small piece of the park’s map.

Sure, sure, we couldn’t read the map and got lost and thought we would never leave. That definitely happened. But by far, my favourite thing that happened was when we started to see signs that read, “Swedish Animals.”

“Oh cool,” I said to Margaret, “I wonder what kinds of animals they have!”

Margaret scanned the map. “It doesn’t say anything specifically. I’m so intrigued!”

We started to follow the signs, dreaming about the cool Scandinavian animals we were about to see for the first – and maybe only – time in our lives. Would the Swedish have their own special breed of cow, like the Scottish Highland Cow?* What kinds of crazy species live up north that we have never heard about in the USA and Canada?

Our anticipation built.

(The park was really big, so we had to walk a lot, so we had lots of time to get super excited and anxious about these cool animals.)

Our anticipation built some more.

Then we turned the corner to the first animal enclosure in Skansen and saw…

A BIZARRE FOREIGN SPECIES.
A BIZARRE FOREIGN SPECIES.

Margaret and I exchanged a look, and then started laughing maniacally. I’m certain that everyone walking by thought we were on mushrooms.

(Maybe we were.)**

GUINEA PIGS!

Then we walked a little further and saw…

A FASCINATING CREATURE.
A FASCINATING CREATURE.

REGULAR PIGS!***

Also on the list:

  • Horses
  • Reindeer
  • Cows
  • Seals
  • Wolverines
  • Other Stuff

But I guess we can’t really hold it against Skansen. The signs were telling the truth.

That’s when I learned that yeah, wherever animals – like people – are born, that’s the kind of animal they are.

I’m gonna go cuddle my Canadian dogs now.

xA

*A.K.A. THE CUTEST EVER.

**We weren’t…

***Funny story about the pigs. Margaret reached down to pet that very pig and when she did, all hell broke loose. The pig behind it jumped onto our friend the pig and started humping her/him ferociously.

Margaret’s genius split-second reaction?

“Oh! It’s time for lovin’!!!”

And then we ran away to give them some privacy.

Pigs, am I right?

One Hundred Fifty.

Since bike lanes are a big point of discussion in my hometown right now, I thought I’d take the opportunity to tell you about a place that does not hem and haw about their bike lanes. I’d like to tell you about a place where bike lanes are no joke: Sweden.

Okay, so as you know, my BFF Mags and I were a little brain fried while we were in Sweden (from writing theses, not from doing acid, though it was probably hard to tell the difference). And I have to say, the fact that we managed to not die from being hit by a cyclist is a miracle.

The first time it happened went something like this…

Just completed Master's, still reading.
Just completed Master’s, still reading.

SCENE: ANDREA and MAGS on the streets of Gothenburg.

ANDREA and MAGS are consulting their Lonely Planet guide on a sidewalk in Gothenburg. The sun is shining. The grass is green. All is quiet and peaceful (and clean, because Sweden is immaculately and wonderfully clean).

ANDREA: Okay, so do we keep walking this way?

MAGS: Yeah…it looks like up this way, and then the street’s gonna sort of curve around…

A strange sound, somewhat like a small airplane, starts to approach. ANDREA and MAGS both look up at one another, puzzled.

MAGS: What is that?

ANDREA: Yeah, I hear that too. I don’t know.

A VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND NEITHER GIRL IS PAYING ATTENTION TO: Hey! Hey! Hey!

MAGS: That’s weird…

ANDREA: I know, it’s like –

A VOICE IN THE VERY NEAR BACKGROUND: HEY! HEY! HEY!

Just then, the WHOOSHING sound – combined with the yelling – are so near that ANDREA and MAGS jump back, startled. A GUY ON A BIKE zips by so quickly that his speed creates enough wind to blow the girls’ hair off to one side.

THE VOICE FROM THE VERY NEAR BACKGROUND THAT HAS NOW BEEN DETERMINED TO BE A GUY ON A BIKE: Ansdfksfewufwh! Dwnewifnkm!

(Swedish for either some swears or some sort of explanation/apology.)

ANDREA and MAGS stare at one another, in shock.

ANDREA: Holy shit.

MAGS: Yeah.

ANDREA: Did you see how fast that guy was biking?

MAGS: We could have been killed! (She looks down) That’s a bike lane!

ANDREA: Oh geez!

MAGS: Holy shit.

Over the course of our trip to Sweden, the following would take place at least 10-15 more times:

SCENE: A street, anywhere in Sweden.

PERSON ON BIKE: Hey! Hey! Hey!

ANDREA: Margaret! You’re in the bike lane!

MAGS: HOLY SHIT AHHH!

It was like we were magnetically attracted to the bike lane. Honestly.

A lot of guide books and websites told me that I shouldn’t expect any warmth or super friendliness in Sweden, because they have a different culture and are not typically “warm.” I found that to be total bullshit. I encountered nothing but warm and friendly Swedes. I love the Swedish!

The one thing I did learn that no guide books mentioned is that you should never mess with Swedish bike lanes.

xA

P.S. I want to extend a huge THANK YOU to everyone who reads this blog, whether you’re a subscriber and you read every single day, or you’ve just stumbled upon an entry here and there. In less than five months, I’ve surpassed an astonishing (to me) 10,000 views! And I’m not even halfway to 365 days! Please keep reading (I’ll keep trying to be interesting and/or funny enough to read) and please spread the word! xx

One Hundred Forty Four.

Sweden, 2010

My BFF Margaret and I were enjoying a brain-fried-blurry post-master’s thesis trip to Gothenburg and Stockholm. Our hostel room in Gothenburg – which was lovely – had no windows, so when we turned out the lights to go to bed, it was PITCH BLACK.

On one particular night, we turned out the lights and then I remembered that I had forgotten to take out my contacts. No problem, I thought to myself, I am a pro at taking out my contacts without a mirror. I clicked on my cell phone for a biteen on light, grabbed my case, and took care of business.

The next morning, I discovered that it wasn’t taking out my contacts without a mirror that was the challenge: it was getting them into the contact case in the dark that was the challenge. And I had failed. Miserably. One of my contacts was stuck to the outer side of the case, completely dried up and ruined.

Oh shit.

I had to spend the remainder of our trip wearing glasses, which yes, was doable, but was also very annoying in the bright sunshine.

Before.UV protected!
Before. UV protected!
After. Squinty.
After. Squinty.

Vancouver, 2012

I was in Vancouver for my brother’s wedding. I had just gone out with my sister-in-law for her bachelorette party. We had snacks and wine, and it was a great time, but being that it was also the same day I had flown into the city, I was pretty tired, so I cut out a bit early to get some sleep at the hotel. I went to bed around midnight, ready to sleep the night away.

At about 1:15am, I was awoken by a brutal noise. The fire alarms in the entire high-rise hotel were going off. Shit, was this for real? Do we bother evacuating? I consulted my mom and as we started to hear a lot of movement in the hallways, we decided yes, we had better get out of the building. I ran to my suitcase quickly to grab what I needed, and discovered that my “I think I’m forgetting something” feeling when I was packing was spot-on: I had not packed the following:

  • Glasses
  • Jacket

There was no time for me to put on my contacts, and it was late July, so how cold could it be? I grabbed my phone to be safe and we took the stairs into the back alley, where I froze my blind ass off for at least 30-45 minutes.

Brutal.

These are just two of many, many times I’ve “learned” to always pack a back-up. I say “learned,” because it’s clearly not sticking.

xA

P.S. Other things I’ve forgotten to pack include pyjamas (which I am notorious for forgetting), deodorant, and the one trip where I decided one pair of shoes was enough, and the one pair of shoes I brought had heels. SMRT. And you?

One Hundred Six.

Speaking of hostels and not staying in them

Did you know that Sweden is expensive? Like, insanely expensive?

SIDENOTE: It’s not as expensive as Switzerland, which made Sweden seem like a financial fucking walk in the park, but it’s expensive.*

Anyway, Sweden. One of my favourite places in the world. I wish I could go back there like, yesterday. But yes, expensive. So when my BFF Mags and I started planning our post-thesis trip to Sweden, we panicked a bit. Oh shit. Every B&B and guesthouse we looked at seemed unaffordable.

(They seemed that way because they were, just to be clear.)

“We’ll definitely need to stay at hostels.” Margaret said as-a-matter-of-factly. And she was right.

It took us a long time to find  hostels that were affordable and acceptable. And by acceptable, here’s what I mean: in our searches, we discovered that the Swedes (in fact, most Scandinavians) are very comfortable with nudity.** So “sports style” showers and communal bathrooms are the norm. So that’s like, a wall of shower heads, with maybe some curtains in between them. Maybe. We saw some photos of these “sports style” showers. They did not look promising.

Throughout our time in Scotland and Europe, Margaret and I jokingly referred to ourselves as the “uptight (North) Americans.” We got stressed, for example, when it took a month to open a bank account instead of the 15-20 minutes we were used to at home. We were also not totally down with showering in front of other people. Or each other.

“If we stay at a place with sports showers, we have to take turns,” Margaret told me, “I don’t think I’m ready to go to that level with you.”

“If we stay at a place with sports showers,” I responded, “I am not showering. Just FYI.”

And I meant it. I meant it so hard.

ANYWAY.

We found two decent looking hostels, one in each of the cities we were staying in – Gothenburg and Stockholm. Everything was going to be okay.

And when we got to Gothenburg, everything was just fine. Our hostel was perfect. It was immaculately clean (like the rest of Sweden, which made my germaphobic, OCD heart so happy), we had a room with a bunkbed just for the two of us, and the bathrooms were perfect: a wall of communal sinks with mirrors, and then a number of private washrooms, each of which contained a toilet, another sink, and a shower.

Bliss.

(Also, I hate to fuel stereotypes, but it looked like IKEA. And I’m pretty sure most of the furniture was from IKEA. I loved it.)

Am I right or am I right?! Photo Copyright Andrea Beça.
Am I right or am I right?! Photo Copyright Andrea Beça.

Then we went to Stockholm. Perhaps we should have taken our eight-hour bus ride, which was less than smooth, as an omen. We got stuck on a sold-out trip behind who I think is the SMELLIEST girl in Sweden, maybe the world. I’m not going to go into detail. Let me just say that any time we went around a bend in the road, a smell so offensive it made me want to retch would waft toward us. For eight hours, folks. EIGHT HOURS.

SIDENOTE: We ended up sitting behind this girl after Margaret suggested we switch seats. Not that I’m holding it against her, but still.***

ALSO: This girl was listening to a discman. In 2010. I can’t get behind that.

Beautiful, cold Stockholm. Photo Copyright Andrea Beça.
Beautiful, cold Stockholm. Photo Copyright Andrea Beça.

When we arrived in Stockholm, we were tired and ready to find our hostel, which proved easier said than done. I think we ended up taking a very expensive taxi because we were so eager to rest.

The check-in process was a bit rocky. The woman at the front desk wanted us to schedule our use of the blow dryer. She was very confused when Margaret asked if she could just keep it for the night and then return it in the morning. I think it was eventually agreed that Margaret would have to go pick it up in the morning in order to use it. But there might not be anyone at the desk until 10am. Or something. They also insisted that we take off our shoes before even entering the hallway, which would have been fine, but the floors in the front entrance were kind of dirty.

Then we had to go find our room. It wasn’t far – just slightly down the narrow hallway – but we didn’t get a very warm welcome. We were already feeling pretty uncomfortable about the whole situation, so when we opened the door and found some random dude lying on a bed fiddling around on his laptop, we kind of froze in our tracks. He put a great deal of effort into looking over his shoulder at us with great disdain. I don’t even think he said hello. He just looked, then went back to his laptop. I remember feeling very scandalized over the fact that his shirt had ridden really far up and I could see a great portion of his lower back, the top of his boxers and jeans, etc.

Mags and I exchanged a look.

It said something like, “Yeah, he’s weird. Let’s not panic yet.”

We locked our bags in the “locker” provided (which was basically a cupboard with a tiny latch on it for a lock – very easy to just yank open and break), and decided to assess the premises.

First we found the kitchen. It was filthy. And it smelled – no, it STANK – of fish. Now, I get that I’m a vegan, so I’m more sensitive to meat smells, but even Margaret was like, “MAYBE LET’S SEE THE REST OF THE PLACE” as soon as we set foot in that kitchen. When we got back into the main hallway, we let out a mutual breath. Ugh.

Then we found the bathrooms. Well, sort of. There were two closets at the end of the hallway with toilets in them. Margaret really had to pee, so she went in to use one. As soon as she did, some guy staying at the hostel decided to also try to use the bathroom, but instead of twisting the doorknob once and realizing someone was in there, he yanked and fiddled with it for a good 30 seconds.

“Uh, there’s someone in there.” I muttered, trying to lessen Mags’ inevitable panic.

He ignored me, jiggled the doorknob again, then walked away, frustrated.

I decided to check out the showers.

Guys, I get that I can be a prude about certain things, but the shower situation really did it for me. The showers were literally in a closet. There was nowhere to really hang your towel without getting it soaked, never mind room to change into dry clothes.

As I was inspecting the showers – and debating how long I could comfortably go without taking one – our lovely roommate came down the hall wearing nothing but a towel and went into the closet next to me. I think this happened right as Margaret exited the toilet closet.

We exchanged another look.

This one was speechless.

I let Margaret take a look at the showers. As we walked back down the hallway, she said, “You know…”

“What?” I replied anxiously.

“Andrea, just so you know…I wouldn’t be totally horrified if…like, I wouldn’t be horrified if you didn’t want to stay here tonight.”

“OH THANK FUCKING GOD.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh THANK GOD.”

There was a communal computer on a desk randomly planted in the middle of the hallway. We lept toward it and hit up Expedia. Suddenly, we felt we had to be as stealthy about this as secret agents. We were, after all, searching for hotels from the hostel we were supposed to be staying at.

“Is this insane?” We asked one another.

Our roommate came back down the hall in his dripping wet towel and went into our room. He was definitely being naked in there, however briefly.

No words were necessary. We turned back to the computer. We booked a hotel. It was “cheap” (see: Swedish cheap) and it wasn’t even a hotel – it was a suite. We had a kitchen, a living room, a spacious bathroom, and a bedroom.

SRSLY. We were swimming in space...
SRSLY. We were swimming in space… Photo Copyright Andrea Beça.

Bliss.

That was the day I confirmed that hostels aren’t my thing.

Also the day we discovered our Stockholm Swagger. Photo Copyright Andrea Beça.
Also the day we discovered our Stockholm Swagger. Photo Copyright Andrea Beça.

xA

P.S. I could tell you about the adventure it was to find our new hotel and then to actually get into our new hotel, but that’s a whole other story.

P.P.S. I still think back and wonder what our hostel roommate must have thought that day. We checked in, showed up, then disappeared. Maybe he thinks that we got drunk and kidnapped and murdered.

P.P.P.S. The image of his bare lower back still haunts me to this day.

*Also, I loved Sweden and my experience in Switzerland was less than awesome, so I still bitch about how expensive it was. I’m fully aware I should give it another chance. But Geneva just didn’t rock my socks like I wanted it to. (I can’t believe I just said, “rock my socks.” I’m sorry.)

**If I looked like Alexander Skarsgård – heck, if I looked like most of the insanely beautiful people I saw and/or met in Sweden – I would also be very comfortable with nudity. I mean, come on.

***I love you, Margaret. You know this. xx

Four.

Scene 1

My street in Glasgow.

SETTING: A BEAUTIFULLY LARGE, BUT UNCOMFORTABLY EMPTY AND UNFURNISHED FLAT IN GLASGOW’S WEST END. ONE SMALL COUCH AND COFFEE TABLE. LOTS OF FLOOR SPACE. HIGH CEILINGS. NATURAL LIGHT. OPEN LAPTOP. BOOKS AND PAPER EVERYWHERE.

NICE WEATHER OUTDOORS. STORMY TIMES INDOORS.

ANDREA, dishevelled and still in pyjamas at 5pm, is on her back, on the floor, limbs everywhere. She is surrounded by loose sheets of paper, open books, pens, etc. She stares (and talks) at the ceiling.

ANDREA: “Deconstruction is a tactic of decentering…” Ugh, wait, no… “the result of having a centre is that it marginalizes others, leaving us with what Derrida calls ‘binary opposites’…” Shit, what? Okay, okay…..okay, okay, okay. Um. Deconstruction is…I have no idea what I’m doing. What am I doing? How did I get myself here, right now, doing this? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Derrida. How did I get myself knee-deep in theory? I hate theory!  Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay….okay. Um. “According to Derrida, all Western thought is based on the idea of a centre…” WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, DERRIDA?! I have no idea what I’m doing. Fuck. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Um.

Where she’s at:

Andrea is nearing the end of her Master’s degree. It is summer and she is attempting to write her thesis. She has never taken a break from school, and she has not had a summer without classes since grade 8. She did a five-year Bachelor’s degree before getting to this point. Her thesis is due in less than two months.

Scene 2

Ahhh, Sweden.

SETTING: A SMALL CORNER GROCERY STORE IN GOTHENBURG SWEDEN. CHARMING, CLUTTERED, UNUSUALLY LARGE SELECTION OF CANDY AND CONFECTIONS.

ANDREA and her best friend MAGS are shopping for snacks. They both carry large shoulder bags and cameras. They both wear slightly wrinkled clothing, clearly pulled from small suitcases earlier that morning. ANDREA is wearing glasses, because the night before, she idiotically “missed” when she attempted to put one of her soft contact lenses into its overnight case, only to find it dried up and ruined in the morning. Oops.

ANDREA: Would you like some salted cashews? They’re salty.

MAGS: You don’t say.

ANDREA: Oh, haha!

MAGS: Hahaha!

Silence.

MAGS: Wow, you can’t even infer what half of this stuff is.

ANDREA: I know.

They look around more. ANDREA picks up a bag of chocolate covered nuts.

ANDREA: These look pretty good. Paranöt. I wonder what kind of nut is in there…

MAGS: I think it’s some kind of nut.

ANDREA: What?

MAGS: What?

ANDREA: That’s what I just said.

MAGS: What?

ANDREA: It’s some kind of nut.

MAGS: Right.

ANDREA: I wonder what kind.

MAGS: Oh. Yeah, I wonder. Paranöt. Hmm.

Where they’re at:

It is approximately September 2nd, 2010. Andrea and Mags handed in their theses at the University of Glasgow on August 30, 2010 ONE DAY EARLY (yeah-huh!) so that they could travel to Sweden together for a relaxing holiday. They have spent all summer on their living room floors, trying to figure out theory and what they are trying to say. They are no longer able to have normal, intelligent, human conversation. In a couple days, they will ignore very clear, illustrated signs and get lost in a folk park in Stockholm.

Not talking = doing just fine!

SOMETIMES SCHOOL MAKES YOU DUMBER BEFORE (IF?) IT MAKES YOU SMARTER.

xA

P.S. I have a Master’s degree and I still can’t figure out how to make my Mac Mail work.

 

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