I know this is a 365-day blog, but this is technically the penultimate post, because it’s a birthday to birthday thing. And tomorrow’s my birthday!
SIDENOTE: Have you bought me a birthday present yet? We can’t be friends if you didn’t because all I care about is material possessions.
Anyway, I thought what better way to spend the second-last day of my crazy year-long blog than looking back on some of its best moments?
SIDENOTE: Maybe that should say best/”best”…
Think of this, if you will, as a flashback episode of your favourite TV sitcom. With the help of a couple friends, I’ve compiled some categories I think you’ll enjoy.
Without further ado…
Top 5 Stupid Kid Moments
Oh boy. Where to even start with this one?! Well, okay…
2. Of course, there was the time I electrocuted myself…
4. Setting fire to things is never a good idea.
5. Neither is writing a hate letter to your childhood friend.
And guess what?! It’s your lucky day. I found a photo of teenage Andrea with hair extensions and no eyebrows. And apparently I have no shame because I’m gonna post it on the Internet.
Boy oh boy oh boy.
Top 5 Most Awkward Moments
If you haven’t deduced by now, I am the QUEEN OF AWKWARD. This is quite the random assortment, but I feel it encompasses who I am pretty well…
1. The day a goat ate my t-shirt. (Enough said.) (Stupid goats.) (Seriously, why would she do that to me?!) (Ugh.) (I fucking loved that t-shirt.) (SOB.)
2. The day I learned about orgasms in sex ed. (Is anyone else craving cake?!)
3. Barrel-chested. That is all.
4. The day the National Poet of Scotland called me stupid. Which I really should add to my resume.
Top 5 “SRSLY?!” Moments
You know those moments. The ones that make you go, “what the fucking?!”
1. People and my tattoos. Why are people so weird about my tattoos?
2. That time a guy threw a book at my face. No big deal.
4. Nothing says “what the fuck?” like getting pepper sprayed!
5. Also charming: when people tell you how to pronounce your own name…
I have to give myself a shout out for fucking up my neck by making fun of someone on a Zumba DVD. Because who the fuck does that? This girl, right here.
But the greatest honourable mention in this category goes to Glasgow, Scotland, where I experienced so many WTF things, including…
Among so many others. I fucking love you, Glasgow. I really do.
Top 5 Workplace Blunders
It’s a wonder I still have my job. It really is. It’s also a wonder I still have any self-confidence after all of the
stupid humbling things that have happened to me at work…
1. My friends still bring up the day I parked on the sidewalk.
2. Also charming: locking yourself in a stairwell on your first day of work.
3. Or, you know, getting caught dancing in the bathroom.
4. Similarly, walking in on your coworkers in the bathroom.
Getting caught taking a selfie at work.
At least I know my office mate loves me and doesn’t judge me.
Top 5 Relationship/Sex Fails
Look. I’d prefer we don’t dwell on how much I suck at relationships, okay? OKAY?!
1. I have been known to throw myself at guys I like.
2. I’ve learned the hard way that spin the bottle will only break your heart.
3. So will going after guys who don’t care that you exist. (But you can keep trying to shout “LOVE ME! LOOOOOVE MEEEE!” at them. Trust me. Guys SUPER love that.)
4. I’m good at ending up in awkward sex situations.
5. And awkward kissing situations, sometimes.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS AND A BONUS PHOTO:
Okay, well, first of all, heartbreak, right?
I think I also screwed it up with this guy, because he was clearly paying me a compliment.
Let’s not forget all of my failed marriages. Sigh.
And the time a MONSTER RASH ruined my potential Scottish boyfriend.
And hey, since I’ve already shown you how great I looked with hair extensions as an eyebrowless wonder, here’s a photo of me in the midst of the MONSTER RASH attack. This was after I managed to get my eyes open, because they were swollen shut.
Top 5 Accomplishments
I didn’t screw up everything, though. I’ve done some stuff. Yeah. I do things! I TCB every once in a while!
2. Then I stuck with it for a year and changed my life.
3. I grew back my eyebrows, guys. I fucking did it!
5. Oh, hey, I also learned how to embrace myself sometimes. I think that’s pretty huge.
I BLOGGED EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 365 FUCKING DAYS.
A year, guys. A YEAR.
I’m excited to celebrate my birthday with you all tomorrow.
P.S. I know what you’re thinking. There totally should have been some sort of crazy travel category. But I just couldn’t narrow that shit down. So you’ll just have to re-read my entire blog to enjoy.