Well, it took over a year as a fitness instructor, but it finally happened.
I had to throw away my shoes because they STANK.
SIDENOTE: They also exploded – like, almost ripped in half – but still, they stank.
It technically only took about six months, because prior to that, I wore all sorts of unsupportive shoes and switched them up every day. But then I crashed hard and was forced to cave and buy expensive – but oh so comfortable – real sneakers for real activity.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because I wear my workout shoes at least seven times a week, if not more on days I have more than one workout.
But still, yuck.
I know that everyone probably has an aversion to stinky shoes, but I feel like my aversion is also a paranoia.
You see, when I was in junior high and my brother was in high school, he had a girlfriend and she had the smelliest feet ever.
You’re probably thinking, “They couldn’t have been that bad.” But you’re so wrong.
If you’re all sitting around in the living room and you can smell someone’s feet from across the room, that’s too much.
If you flop onto the couch hours later and bury your face into a pillow only to recoil instantly from the horrendous, lingering stench and you recoil with such ferocity that you fall off the couch, that’s way too much.
If as soon as someone leaves your house, you need to Febreeze the shit out of everything including your face because you feel like all you can smell is feet, that’s ridiculously too much. It’s so too much that it becomes nothing at all again.
SIDENOTE: That doesn’t make sense. I’m okay with that.
I feel bad saying all of this, because it was probably this girl’s awkward teenage “thing,” and I certainly dealt with lots of things myself, but still, it was kind of the worst.
What have I learned?
When you’re teaching Zumba and you can smell your own shoes, it’s time for new shoes.
(Thank goodness it’s just a one-pair-of-shoes issue.)
P.S. I’m sorry for sounding like a judgemental twat about my brother’s high school girlfriend’s feet. It’s actually pretty hilarious when you think about it. Plus I was a kid. Plus it’s gross. And funny. And gross.
P.P.S. I love American Horror Story. And I LOVE JESSICA LANGE.