Every once in a while, I get a strong jonesin’ for a good ol’ trashy magazine.

You may remember that trashy mags were part of my weekly routine when I lived in Glasgow. I’m not too proud to admit it. Sometimes they’re funny. Sometimes they’re enraging.

Sometimes they’re terrifyingly strange.

So the other night when I was buying nail glue to apply the Talons of Death to my hands, I bought an issue of Cosmo.

cosmocover

There were actually two different issues to choose from. Why are there multiple versions of Cosmo? Whatever. I bought that one that said more about sex on the cover. Because I’m a human being, that’s why.

SIDENOTE: Don’t you dare judge me.

Now, of course I was going into this expecting to be somewhat nonplussed. I always am when I read these types of women’s magazines. But when I came across this little sex tip, I was about as nonplussed as I’ve ever been:

paninisex

……….

no

……

Is it just me?

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It can’t be just me.

Who the fuck wants to lie “limp” on top of their partner, naked?

Better yet, who wants to be the person on the bottom, potentially being suffocated to death by the dead weight of their partner.

“Isn’t this so comfy, baby?”

“Mmmmfffffffffuuggghhh…*dead*”

I’m all for cuddling, but I think I’m going to stick to un-limp cuddles. And maybe not cuddling in a…pile? No, a pile type situation can be fun. But not a stack.

That’s it. I’m speechless. And I’m putting the “Panini” on my “no” list.

Lesson learned: Oh, Cosmo. You’ve done it again.

xA

P.S. Cosmo also says don’t eat sushi because it seems healthy, but has a ton of “hidden” calories. But fuck that shit, right? I love me some cucumber maki.

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