You know what’s crazy when you think about it? (See: crazy when I think about it.)
I have never known a world without my brother.
I mean, he was already around when I was born. So I have never existed without him.
Just in case you don’t have a big brother, let me tell you what they’re good for.
SIDENOTE: Who remembers Bucky O’Hare?! Love.
Since they’ve been on earth for longer than you, big brothers have a larger stock of toys. Whether they tell you so or not, those toys are at your disposal. Just try not to break them.
CORRECTION: Try to figure out a really cute, cool way to tell your brother when you break them.
SIDENOTE: Or just don’t tell him, and then pretend you have no idea what he’s talking about when he finds out.
Similarly, older kids are better at rationing things out – like, say, Halloween candy.
This is not at your disposal, but you can probably justify helping yourself anyway.
SIDENOTE: You will think you’re being stealthy about this, but you are not. Make sure whatever you eat is worth being yelled at later. Always leave the caramels.
Your big brother’s friends will be your first crushes. He will not like this. But it’s good for you!
SIDENOTE: Until you make an ass out of yourself. Then it’s a valuable life learning experience!
Keeping You Humble
You may think you’re top notch in the cool department. Your big brother will always be there to knock you down a peg or two. He’s way better at the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air rap than you, for example. You can try to keep up, but he’s just so swag.
SIDENOTE: Did I use “swag” correctly?
When you think of a creative endeavour that will potentially get you world famous, your big brother is like a built-in business partner. Also, he knows how to do more stuff than you because he’s older and wiser, so let him press the buttons.
SIDENOTE: Even though you REALLY WANT TO.
Being Your Hero
This story. That is all. (The poor thing.)
A big brother is a support system. A partner in crime. Protection from bullies. Company when you need someone to play with. A shoulder to cry on when you’re upset. They can give you fairly unbiased boy advice, and when it comes to boys who aren’t right for you, they’ve always got your back. They have been around your whole life. They know where you’re coming from. And they want the best for where you’re going. Plus, they’re getting there before you. Your big brother is there to set the bar for life. To ask all the questions that plague you, like, “Do you feel like an adult yet? Do you have your shit together?” Sometimes they set the bar so high, you feel like you’ll never live up to it, but the beautiful thing about a high bar is it pushes you to be the best you can be, every day, all the time.
And if you’re ridiculously, stupidly, wonderfully lucky like me, your big brother is your best friend.
Lesson learned: Big brothers are the best. Happy 30th Birthday to mine. I love you, Bryan!