Speaking of crazy shit that happens while you’re in a vehicle and there’s someone crazy outside of it, let’s talk more about the buses in Glasgow.
SIDENOTE: That’s the bus I used to take almost every day! The good ‘ol 62. Partick represent!
SIDENOTE TO THE SIDENOTE: God, I’m a nerd.
What, you don’t remember my Glasgow bus adventures?
Like, the day I walked across Glasgow?
Or the day a woman on the Glasgow bus followed me off the Glasgow bus and then tried to kiss me?
Or maybe that day I found a – OMG WTF. Yeah, that.
So one day, I was on the bus in Glasgow heading back to the west end from city centre. It was the middle of the afternoon, when you don’t really expect weird things to happen. (Well, I guess I sort of do at this point. Especially after living in Glasgow. But also this.) The bus stopped at…well, at a stop, and no one got on. But a few seconds after it stopped, a guy ran up to the bus and took a jumping karate kick at it. He slammed into the side of the bus, and despite the intense impact, he seemed unshaken.
The bus driver, on the other hand, was not impressed.
“What the – get tae fuck!” he started yelling out his open window.
But the guy outside of the bus – just a regular looking 20-something – did it again. He jump-kicked the bus.
What followed was a yelling conversation that had a lot of “FUCK” in it, and then the bus started to drive away.
And then the 20-something proceeded to chase after the bus, all the while running, jumping, and slamming into it.
Eventually the bus picked up enough speed that he gave up.
So that was interesting.
On another night, I was actually on the same bus – well, the same bus route – but this time, it was late at night because I was leaving a play I had just been to see. Once again, the bus stopped.
Wait a second.
It was actually at the same stop.
Maybe there’s something wrong with that stop in particular…
Anyway, we were at the stop, and there was also a red light, so we had nowhere to go. And then a guy walked up to the side of the bus, and he started making out with it.
YES THAT’S RIGHT.
He smushed his face into one of the bus’ windows, and he started straight up French kissing it.
I feel like maybe he had just said goodbye to his girlfriend, who had gotten onto the bus, and so he was actually kissing “her” goodbye through the window? But also, I may have made that up to explain the sheer fucked up-ed-ness of the situation.
I think my BFF Mags was with me. Perhaps she can confirm or deny the above statement. But I promise you the makeout happened and I promise you it was as slimy, disturbing, and gruesome and it sounds.
For the rest of the ride home, I couldn’t stop staring at the wet patch left behind.
Of course, there were numerous times that I was on the bus and people would spit on it, but I don’t have any good enough specific stories about that.
Then there was the day I was on the bus in Glasgow going through city centre and we drove past Robert Carlyle standing on a street corner waiting to cross the street.
That was crazy in a good way.
No, I didn’t wave. But I really wanted to.
Lesson learned: There are a lot of crazy people out there. Specifically riding and/or waiting for the Glasgow transit system.
And also, never lick the side of a bus. You have no idea where it’s been.