Things you need to know for context:

I’m a Soothing Basket-Case.

At least a couple times a week, I get told I have a very calming presence, that I am very soothing to be around, that I keep my friends sane, etc., etc.

Just last week, I went out for lunch with a friend who was feeling anxious about an upcoming halfway-around-the-world move, which I am familiar with. We chatted about things, and as we said our goodbyes, she said, “Oh my God, Andrea! I feel so much better! You have 100% calmed me down!”

My mom says I get it from her. I say, “Yeah, and I get my INSANE ANXIETY from you, too.”

(For the record, she agrees with this completely. Hi, mom. Sorry about yesterday’s post. I feel weird that you read it, and even weirder that your comment on Facebook was that Anthony Bourdain kind of looks like family.)

Because I am an anxious mess. Like, pretty much all the time. When people tell me I’m calming, I usually laugh and say something like, “I wish you could feel how UN-calm I am in my head!”

I’m Terrified of Death.

That’s that. I guess I would say, “Who isn’t?!” but apparently, some people aren’t. (Weirdos.)

Death is something I am anxious about on a very regular basis.

I’d go into this more, but I’ll probably have an anxiety attack, so…

I’ve Lost Weight.

A lot of it. It’s caused a lot of changes in my body.

Okay, that was your context.

So the other night, I was sitting on the couch writing on my laptop and I got an itch on my torso. I scratched it. And then I froze.

What the fuck?

I felt a really weird bulge where I was scratching. It sent me into an insta-panic.

Some of the thoughts I had include: “What the hell is that?! Oh my God, it’s hard. Is that a cyst? Is it a tumor? How did I never notice this before? And of course I’m discovering this right when I’m between doctors. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What if I only have two months to live?!”

I poked at it and assessed the situation a little further.


I can feel them now. I’ve never been able to feel them before. They’ve always been a lot more padded with extra flesh.


I probably shouldn’t admit to it, but there you go.

So next time you’re thinking I’m a very calming person to be around, think about this: I’ve learned that I may very well be the kind of crazy that only a mother could love.


P.S. If you bring this up to me face to face, I’m gonna pretend I have no idea what you’re talking about. Especially if there are other people around.