You know, when I think back to the Nightmare Flat, I really think it was doomed from the start.

I mean, right when I moved in, I thought there was a murderer in the neighbourhood, and then just a few weeks later, mould would take over my entire life, but there was also the time I thought I was going to die alone in a place I had just moved to…

All because of a kiwi.

Not this kind:

Kiwi Bird

(I wish! It would kill me with cuteness! Little fuzzy chubby look at those feet I CAN’T EVEN.)

This kind:

Kiwi Fruit

Looks delicious, right?

I’m not like, obsessed with kiwis or anything. They’re a fruit I would eat occasionally in the past. I think they’re tasty. When I moved to Glasgow, one of the things I realized is that a lot of our (that is, North America’s) “exotic” fruits are a lot cheaper over there. I assume this is because, although imported, the produce is imported from places that are much closer. (Like, getting fruit from Europe or Mexico to Canada is a big journey, whereas getting fruit from say, Spain to Scotland is not as big a deal.) But that’s just a guess. I’ve never looked into it.

Anyway, I was very excited to see things like mangoes and kiwis available for cheap. So I took advantage of it and I bought lots of amazing produce, including a 4-pack of kiwis from Tesco, which I happily brought home just a few days after moving into my new flat.

I was home from classes late one afternoon and enjoying some British gameshows on TV and I decided to have a snack. I cut up a couple kiwis and brought them to the couch with me. I ate approximately half a kiwi. Then I started to feel weird.

The feeling was similar to what happens when I eat too much (“too much” being key, because a small amount has no effect on me) sesame: my mouth started to itch and swell. Only instead of reaching a happy swelling point and just being annoying for a few minutes, it felt like it was continuing to swell.

I panicked.

I called my mom.

“Mom, I ate a kiwi and I feel like my throat is closing up.”

“Okay, stay calm.”

“I know, I know, but my mouth is all weird and it’s getting hard to swallow. What do I do?”

“Just breathe. Give yourself a minute. If it gets worse, you need to call 911.”

“It’s 999.”

“Okay, whatever. Just give yourself some time.”


“Are you okay?”

“It’s been like, 30 seconds. I feel exactly the same. I should go. This is scary.”

“Okay, text me if something happens. STAY CALM.”


(My mom likes to tell me to stay calm because I’m prone to worrying and anxiety. I get these two traits from her.)

I put the bowl of kiwi down on the side table and sat cross-legged on my couch, staring at the TV but not seeing any of it, focusing on breathing.

I stayed that way for 45 minutes or so.

Eventually the feeling started to fade.

I decided I could be normal again.

I started by getting rid of the kiwis, and I haven’t eaten one since.

So that was the day I learned that I have apparently developed an allergy to kiwis. Or maybe whatever specific chemicals were used on the skins of that 4-pack? Or maybe it was just a coincidence?

Okay, so I learned nothing certain, but I got scared into never eating kiwis again.