Let me tell you something: these are all true.
I’ve learned a lot about myself by sleeping with Oscar and Lucy. Here’s a sampling:
I could probably sleep on a single wooden plank if I had to.
Let’s just say there are nights I barely get the ‘q’ of my queen-sized bed. This is usually due to the fact that Oscar likes to sleep horizontally in bed, and Lucy just likes the middle of the bed in general. Little twerps.
I’m not actually an ‘I’d prefer to be cold’ sleeper.
I used to be. I used to hate being too hot when I slept. But now, if I have to sleep away from my dogs, I can’t sleep at all. I feel freezing and the bed feels too empty. I’d rather have a Boston Terrier plastered to each side of my body and be drenched in sweat. (Sexy, right? Did I mention I’m single?)
I will put up with just about anything if I love you…
Have you ever met a Boston Terrier? They – like all short-faced breeds – snore and fart. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oooh, doggie snores – so cute!” No, no, guys: Boston Terriers snore like tractors. And I have two. They often wake me up with their snoring, and then they keep me up because I watch them snore because they’re cute.
SIDENOTE: When they wake each other up with their snores, they don’t find each other cute. They give each other the stink eye.
Don’t even get me started on the farts. I can’t even.
…Except when I want you to move and you won’t.
I never really thought of myself as a whiny sleeper. You know the ones. The people who swear at you when you try to wake them up and then go back to sleep. I don’t have a problem being woken up, but here’s what gets me: when I get up to go pee and find a dog in my spot upon returning to bed. And then that dog – OSCAR – will NOT move. He might look small, but he still weighs 30lbs, and he knows how to make himself heavier. When this happens, I turn into the most juvenile, whiny bitch that ever was. I embarrass myself with how whiny I get.
SIDENOTE: This also happens when I’m trying to turn over and Oscar won’t get out of my way.
I can wake up in an instant when someone is vomiting, but apparently not when someone is having emergency diarrhea all over my floor.
I LOVE CUDDLING.
And then there are the nights where sleeping with Oscar and Lucy is like a dream come true. Sometimes it’s a Mama sandwich, and sometimes I get a puppy sleeping in my arms, belly up, like a tiny person. Sometimes I’m extra lucky and I get one in each arm.
These nights happen once a week or so. I think they plan it that way so that I forget how annoying they usually are and keep letting them sleep in my bed.