You know how when you leave kids or puppies alone for a second, and then you hear the room go silent, that’s when you know that something is amiss?

Okay, so my favourite teacher (who happened to look like Lucille Ball) left my first grade class alone once. Obviously, I have no idea why she had to leave us, and I’m sure it was against some sort of rules, since there was no teaching assistant to keep an eye on us, but there it was. 20-something first graders, left sitting at our “desks” (actually we sat at round tables, probably four or five kids at each) for what felt like eternity.

My school photo from kindergarten. Close enough.
My school photo from kindergarten. Close enough.

What could possibly go wrong, you ask?

Let me tell you.

One of my girlfriends – I don’t remember who – decided to start a first grade kissing ORGY. She got up from our table, ran across the room, and kissed her crush on the cheek.


Guys, within seconds, every girl was running around the classroom, kissing the boys they liked. It was like we were bees buzzing around the hive. We were weaving in and out of the aisles between tables, dancing around one another to hit our next target. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t take part. I was hesitant, but I totally went for it, kissing my two crushes, Jordan and Patrick.* Come to think of it, I may have also kissed my friend, Andrew. What can I say? It was a total frenzy.

What did the boys do, you ask?


Bastards. No effort required. Just getting the love. All of it.


It felt like this went on forever – and in all fairness, it was probably a good few minutes, since I got three kisses in (maybe more) and I’m not much for running – but when Mrs. Sturwold returned, it all ended very abruptly.

“Back to your seats NOW.” She bellowed at us.

Our nervous and excited giggles were silenced. The pitter-patter of our speedy feet halted. We all sat down, suddenly feeling incredibly bashful, ashamed, and on the brink of tears.

Oh shit.

We were in trouble.

While I don’t remember her exact words, I remember Mrs. Sturwold giving us a long, thorough lecture about how kissing is a way of showing your love, and how love is a very special thing, and how because it’s so special, you shouldn’t just give it away.

She was totally right.

Lesson learned: Throwing yourself at some guy is never really a good idea. And it’s embarrassing when you get called out for it, too.


*What’s up, fellas? Reading this? Single? Let’s chat!**

**I’m kidding.***

***Mostly. Are you as cute as you were in grade one? Employed? Do you have a degree? Did you grow into your ears?