I need to stop living a lie.

I’ve been trying to be something I’m not for the last two months or so. Trying to fit myself into some constricting parameters I just don’t fit into.

It all started because of vanity. That and a really good deal. But it’s time to come clean with you all, right here, right now.

This is really hard for me to say…


This, for instance:

What IS that?!
What IS that?!

That’s smaller than my wallet, y’all. Good for you if all you need to carry is a debit card and some lip gloss. I AM NOT YOU. STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE.

I searched on Google for “large purses” and this came up:

...Excuse me?
…Excuse me?

Either I have a problem (okay, I have MANY problems – beside the point) or that is a medium purse at best. That is NOT a large purse.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re like, “Andrea, is there a way to tell if your purse is a large purse or not?”

Yes. Yes there is.

Can you fit your laptop in it?

Then it’s not large enough.

Other things that need to fit into my purse include, but are not limited to:

  • My giant wallet
  • The 2,983 lip balms, glosses, and sticks I keep throwing in, thinking that I don’t have any already in there
  • My change purse (because my giant wallet has a miniscule pocket for change)
  • Hand lotion (my hands get dry, okay?!)
  • Hand sanitizer (probably a few different kinds, because I’m a germophobe*)
  • Basically, a first aid kit
  • A large water bottle
  • A notebook and selection of pens
  • A few books and a kobo, which is my new favourite thing
  • Snacks, or my whole lunch if I’m going to work
  • Paperwork from the last six months (receipts, invoices, you name it)
  • My iPhone and iPod (my phone is dying, so I had to take my music off it – leave me alone)
  • A sweater/cardigan/scarf or something warm
  • And so on
  • (And don’t even get me started on my gym bag…)

Yeah. I’m one of those girls. This is what I’m looking for:

At least.

And in late November, I totally betrayed myself by buying a small purse. Like, smaller than medium, but not wallet-size. It was cute (it’s hard to say no to a cute purse) and it was $19.99. I must have blacked out, or maybe I was living in denial that week, so I bought it and I have been living in an insufficient-purse-space-induced-depression ever since.

It’s time to take my life back.

I’ve learned my lesson. I’m going to switch back. I apologize if, since November, I have been acting strangely, or if I haven’t had that random thing you really needed while we were out together (lip balm? a bandaid? some gum? I’M SORRY I WASN’T THERE FOR YOU!)

I’m just going to be honest with myself from now on.

And you can stop making “luggage” jokes, because those were never funny.

(Plus, you didn’t make luggage jokes when I had something you wanted/needed, or when I agreed to carry your shit for you in my purse. So…)


*My spellchecker wanted to correct that to homophobe, which is kind of a different thing.