One of the things I had to provide for my security clearance at my new job is a FULL employment history. Like, everything.

Okay, I thought to myself, that shouldn’t be too hard.

GUYS! I have had a lot more jobs than I thought. I started as a babysitter when I was 11 or 12, but basically, in the last 14 years, I’ve had 14 jobs. And my longest job lasted almost five of those 14. So there was some overlap. Sometimes a lot of overlap.

My employment history includes:

I could NEVER afford this arrangement.
I could NEVER afford this arrangement.

Working as a telephone operator for one of the world’s largest floral delivery companies. At  this job, I had the pleasure of trying to convince men that it was perfectly reasonable to pay $99 for a dozen red roses in a box (not a vase).

Some of them didn’t need any convincing. Some of them ordered two.

“For their moms.”

SIDENOTE: I also got to learn how to arrange flowers at this job, which was cool because the work itself had NOTHING to do with the actual process of arranging. So I have that skill now. Sort of.

If only I worked at one like THIS.
If only I worked at one like THIS.

Working as the box office manager of a local theatre. At this job, I did a lot of computer work, a lot of ticket selling, and a lot of crowd control. I also once had the pleasure of trying to calm a woman who was infuriated to learn (despite many well-placed signs) that she couldn’t re-enter a play after leaving to use the washroom. Then, like a perfectly timed sitcom, a mouse scurried through the lobby and under the doors into the auditorium. I gave her a glass of wine and had to explain to her that the mouse wasn’t re-entering because he wasn’t an audience member.

SIDENOTE: I also got to work to discover that the toilets in the ladies washroom had flooded, and spent over an hour mopping up toilet water with my coworker once. And I still totally loved the place.

If only I had done more of this...
If only I had done more of this…

Working as a “writer” (see: as a personal assistant to a writer) at a communications company. At this job, I began with some small copywriting jobs, then moved into house-sitting, chauffeuring, and then gardening (yeah.) I once had the pleasure of putting the hours I spent cleaning a flooded basement on my timesheet.

SIDENOTE: Don’t get me started.

I’ve also: worked at a scrapbooking supply company with a lot of nice paper at it; worked as a special needs aide at a preschool with a lot of three and four year olds; worked as a freelancer at an online magazine that will never pay off; worked at LUSH Cosmetics and always smelled AMAZING; and many, many others.

But you know, I have to say, I’ve learned at least one (if not a million) useful things from every job I’ve ever had, and in looking at my job history as a whole, I have learned the following:

First, that I still need to work as a server at least once before I die, because I hear that’s a life experience everyone should have.

And also that I am either:

(A) A job whore.

(B) An overachiever.

(C) A broke-ass post-student.

(D) All of the above.

And you?