I know I’ve mentioned before that I literally almost never get asked out on dates. And that’s totally true. But it’s also true that I may just have not noticed.

SCENE 1:

Andrea is out for a night on the town to celebrate a friend’s birthday. She’s hit the dance floor at a hip* local club and she’s working her magic moves** with one of her girlfriends. A cute guy dances up to her.

GUY: Hey.

ANDREA: Hey!

GUY: Uh, I just came here to tell you that my friend thinks you’re really cute.

ANDREA: Oh yeah?

GUY: Yeah.

ANDREA: Where’s your friend?

GUY: (Pointing vaguely to the other side of the room) He’s back there.

ANDREA: Well tell your friend he should come over here and tell me that himself.

Andrea turns around abruptly and continues to dance with her PLATONIC girlfriend.

And then I realized…oh, oops.

SCENE 2:

Teenage Andrea is out at the first concert she’s been allowed to go to without parental supervision. She and her BFF-of-the-mo’ are at Bif Naked. While they’re waiting for her to take the stage, a cute punk boy approaches.

PUNK: Hey.

ANDREA: Hey!

PUNK: I’ve totally seen you at tons of concerts here.

ANDREA: Yeah, I come to lots of shows.

PUNK: That’s awesome! You like Bif Naked?

ANDREA: Yup.

PUNK: Cool. Me too.

ANDREA: Great.

Andrea turns around abruptly and continues to talk to her PLATONIC BFF. The cute punk boy sighs and walks away.

BFF: What are you doing?!

ANDREA: What do you mean?

BFF: That guy was totally flirting with you!

ANDREA: Which guy?

BFF: THAT guy!

ANDREA: …Really?

BFF: Yes, like, totally!

ANDREA: …Oh.

BFF: You just totally blew him off.

ANDREA: I didn’t mean to!

Oh shit.

SCENE 3:

Andrea meets a guy through her sort-of boyfriend. They become sort-of friends on Facebook, text, etc. Once things fizzle with sort-of boyfriend, the sort-of friend jumps in.

SOF: You’re hot.

ANDREA: No, you are.

SOF: Wanna fuck?

Andrea sleeps with him.***

Ugh, for real?!

Lesson learned: I have NO idea how to flirt or interpret flirting unless it’s the most obvious ever.

THEREFORE:

Guys, if you want to go out with me, you’d better just ask me straight up.

xA

P.S. If you’re keeping tabs on my non-existent love life, Devastatingly Attractive Gym Guy showed up at the gym this week with Tiny Attractive Asian Girl, who was definitely not me. My plans to live in a romantic comedy set at the gym are foiled.

* AND **Clearly I’m a super cool person.

***This conversation has been slightly truncated for the purposes of my blog. Slightly.

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