I know I’ve mentioned before that I literally almost never get asked out on dates. And that’s totally true. But it’s also true that I may just have not noticed.


Andrea is out for a night on the town to celebrate a friend’s birthday. She’s hit the dance floor at a hip* local club and she’s working her magic moves** with one of her girlfriends. A cute guy dances up to her.

GUY: Hey.


GUY: Uh, I just came here to tell you that my friend thinks you’re really cute.

ANDREA: Oh yeah?

GUY: Yeah.

ANDREA: Where’s your friend?

GUY: (Pointing vaguely to the other side of the room) He’s back there.

ANDREA: Well tell your friend he should come over here and tell me that himself.

Andrea turns around abruptly and continues to dance with her PLATONIC girlfriend.

And then I realized…oh, oops.


Teenage Andrea is out at the first concert she’s been allowed to go to without parental supervision. She and her BFF-of-the-mo’ are at Bif Naked. While they’re waiting for her to take the stage, a cute punk boy approaches.

PUNK: Hey.


PUNK: I’ve totally seen you at tons of concerts here.

ANDREA: Yeah, I come to lots of shows.

PUNK: That’s awesome! You like Bif Naked?


PUNK: Cool. Me too.

ANDREA: Great.

Andrea turns around abruptly and continues to talk to her PLATONIC BFF. The cute punk boy sighs and walks away.

BFF: What are you doing?!

ANDREA: What do you mean?

BFF: That guy was totally flirting with you!

ANDREA: Which guy?

BFF: THAT guy!

ANDREA: …Really?

BFF: Yes, like, totally!


BFF: You just totally blew him off.

ANDREA: I didn’t mean to!

Oh shit.


Andrea meets a guy through her sort-of boyfriend. They become sort-of friends on Facebook, text, etc. Once things fizzle with sort-of boyfriend, the sort-of friend jumps in.

SOF: You’re hot.

ANDREA: No, you are.

SOF: Wanna fuck?

Andrea sleeps with him.***

Ugh, for real?!

Lesson learned: I have NO idea how to flirt or interpret flirting unless it’s the most obvious ever.


Guys, if you want to go out with me, you’d better just ask me straight up.


P.S. If you’re keeping tabs on my non-existent love life, Devastatingly Attractive Gym Guy showed up at the gym this week with Tiny Attractive Asian Girl, who was definitely not me. My plans to live in a romantic comedy set at the gym are foiled.

* AND **Clearly I’m a super cool person.

***This conversation has been slightly truncated for the purposes of my blog. Slightly.