So I was at a corporate Christmas party last weekend.

It was a totally swanky event with amazing food (even for this weirdo gluten-free vegan!) and over 500 people, out of whom I knew maybe 20. The booze was flowing, as it tends to do at Christmas parties. Not through me,* but through a lot of people around me. Mostly the younger 20-somethings. Mostly they were wasted by like, 8pm. I wish you could have been there; it was hilarious to watch and it made me feel crazy old.


I went to the bathroom and pushed my way through the hoards of girls standing at the mirrors fixing their hair, lipstick, and boobs to find a stall. As soon as I locked the door behind me, I heard a hilarious conversation approaching, so naturally I waited well after I had peed to eavesdrop on the whole bizarre moment.

It started with the uneven clomping of two drunk girls in way-too-high heels. Based on sound alone, I imagine one was more sober, and her blotto pal was hanging onto her by the shoulder, probably being super annoying and pulling her dress off in the process without realizing it. Blotto was like, “Sooo, doyou ALWAYS gothethebathroom with your frienz?” Semi-Sober let out an awkward laugh and said, “No…”

SIDENOTE: Semi-Sober may have actually been Sober. How awkward if she was!

Only before Semi-Sober could say anything more about it, Blotto pushed her into the stall and shut the door behind them.

“I’m gonna watch you pee.”

And either Semi-Sober was scared like the bathroom hostage she had become or she just didn’t care (which I refuse to believe because she kept letting out obvious anxiety-laughs), but she peed while Blotto stood shakily in her gigantor heels against the stall door, watching her.

“I grew upina miltary fam-ly, soitwas jus’like, you know go pee or whatever andwhatever there’s ALWAYS siblins s’watchin’ or something and plus I go pee withymy frienz all the time.”




And then I washed my hands and got the hell out of the bathroom, because for some reason, I didn’t want to see what the girls looked like. The thought of making eye contact with them (well, with one of them, anyway) made me nervous. Seeing their shoes was enough.

And that’s when I became certain that I’m not one of those girls who goes pee with her friends.** Are you?


*Not this year, anyway. But I remember this one Christmas party we had when I worked at a theatre, and we went out for Greek food and ate SO much and had LOTS of wine and then two of my friends and I went back to the office and drunkenly decorated. It was so fun.

**I mean, if I love you and you’re getting married or you’re wearing some crazy costume*** and you need help, fine, I’m there for you. But recreationally? No thanks! You do your thing, I’ll do mine.

***Which may sound like a rare occurrence, but in my circle of friends could happen any day of the week.