Okay, one night a couple years ago, a few of my coworkers from LUSH Cosmetics and I went out together to sing karaoke. It’s something we did semi-regularly at the best dive bar in town.

I can’t remember exactly why, but it had been a bit of a hassle to get there – maybe we kept changing our minds or someone was really delayed or something, but when we finally got there, we were all like, “FINALLY.” We slumped down around a table and started picking songs and ordering drinks.

Less than 10 minutes later (we sometimes took a LONG time to choose songs), we saw two guys basically run screaming from the bar, where they were sitting. If I remember correctly, they ran straight out the door. You’ll understand very shortly why my memory is a little blurry of this night. What hit us next was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced:

Mace.

I don’t even know how to describe the smell of it, because it’s so strong you don’t even get a chance to really smell it before you’re choking on it. It’s peppery, obviously, and the second it hits you, you can’t breathe. You try to inhale and you cough, you try to inhale and you cough, and on and on and on. It burns your eyes and your skin and you start to cry. I jumped up from the table and ran into the bathroom to try to catch my breath. I was coughing so hard I started to heave, but luckily didn’t vomit (since we know what a big deal that is for me) and I could barely open my eyes. My friends were somewhere doing the same, but I honestly don’t even remember because all I could do was cough and all I could think was will I get enough air the next time I try to inhale to stay conscious?

It was one of the shittiest attempts at a fun night out I’ve ever had.

Also, I coughed so much and so hard that I didn’t have a voice for almost three days.

Lesson learned: being pepper sprayed is as awful as they make it look in movies.

Oh, and I bet you’re wondering how the fuck we got pepper sprayed in the middle of a karaoke bar? INDOORS?

Some dumb-ass bitch got into a fight with her boyfriend and decided that mace was the best way to make her point.* They had to shut down the bar and call the cops.

Lesson Learned: dumb-ass bitches are dumb.

xA

*Ladies, remember the people around you before you pepper spray somebody. Don’t do it just because you think you look this cool:

Sassy and tough!
Sassy and tough!

Do it when you’re actually in danger. Okay? Thanks. (SRSLY.)

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