I’ve realized something over the last couple of weeks: at present, I am totally indifferent toward relationships.

Not friendships and stuff, obviously, but romantic relationships.

Here’s how I got here:

See, after years and years of putting up with assholes and an impressive array of emotional games and manipulation, I put a big STOP IT on men. Well, okay, not on all men, but on the ones who play emotional games and like to manipulate women. I think it was a fair thing to do. I think every woman should do it, like, five years ago (at least).

So I decided I’d stop playing games and just start telling the guys I like that I like them. You know, like real communication. Alien, but effective.

SIDENOTE: Plus, I’m a writer, so I’m already like, totally used to rejection, so nothing about this method phases me.

Surprise! It never got me a guy. Don’t get me wrong, some of the responses were positive, but nothing ever came of them. I used to let myself get all heartbroken about it. I remember one incident about two years ago—last year? I don’t know; I have no concept of time—that left me in the dumps for ages, mostly because it was a positive response that couldn’t go anywhere for other reasons. In some ways, it was better than going through all of the relationship games, but I’d feel just as shitty afterward, so I never got much consolation out of being up front and honest.

CUT TO: A few weeks ago. I did it again. Told one of my guy friends I thought he was hot.

He wasn’t into it. But this time, instead of feeling OMGSHATTERED, I just thought OH WELL and moved on. Like maybe too fast. Like maybe I should have worried about it for at least a few minutes. But I didn’t. I shrugged and went to sleep, and then I got the hell on with my life.

Because I’m far too busy for that shit!

You know, Ru Paul (yeah, I’m quoting Ru Paul) once said something like, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else?” (I know a LOT of people have said that, but I like Ru Paul, so back off.) She probably looked like this when she said it:

Testify, girl!

I don’t think we should wait until we 100% love ourselves to get into a relationship, believe me. (Because if I did, I’d never get there.) But what I took from that, and what I practise every single day, is that I have to be the priority in my life and I have to get my shit together before I can mix my shit with someone else’s.*

That doesn’t mean not caring about other people, and it doesn’t mean being a selfish twat or not doing what your BFF wants to do on the weekend even though you don’t feel like it because you love her. It just means pursuing my goals and devoting as much time as I please to them because they’re the most important thing to me right now. And I don’t have a partner or children (thank goodness**), so the time is now, right? This is me time! I’ve got to enjoy it while I have it!

Plus, I have like, five jobs when I actually count them out, so the thought of having a boyfriend right now makes my scheduling muscle twitch. Unless I could have a boyfriend who’s as busy as me and therefore only wants to hang out like, once a week. Maybe once every two weeks. Oh, and he’d have to like emailing and texting more than talking on the phone because I just can’t multitask while doing the latter the way I could when I was in grade 6. Probably someone like Adam Levine who’s always on TV or on tour would be best. Just saying.

Plus I’m a commitment phobe.

Oh. Unless you’re this guy:

Might as well be a “missed connections” advert.

Then let’s make out.


*Not actual shit. Don’t be gross.