I think it’s only natural for a child to blame things on their parents, so here’s one for the list:
For my entire childhood (and even now), my mom had short hair. Here’s a photo of the two of us at The Trossachs National Park in Balloch, Scotland, from when she came to spend Christmas with me in 2010:
Now, I’m not up to date on the latest trends in the world of Barbie (I’m kind of too scared to even look it up lest I discover a Nicki Minaj Barbie with an inflatable ass or a Katy Perry Barbie with tiny cupcake tits or something equally over-sexualized), but when I was a kid, there was no such thing as a Barbie doll with short hair. So naturally I wanted to give all of mine a hair cut.
(Hell, even 20 years later, I can’t commit to a TV show, but I can shave half my head without flinching.)
I would never really have the intention of cutting off all of my Barbies’ hair. Sometimes I would just aim for a cute bob cut with some bangs. But one of two things would always happen:
- I would hit the scissor happy high, black out, and wake up to a bald Barbie doll.
- I would finish the cut, only to discover that Barbie hair is made to hang in one particular hair style, and that trying to force it into place with bangs and a blunt chin-length trim would NEVER work.
Long story short (oh yes I did), I would somehow always end up with an army of bald or ugly Barbie dolls.
My mom would get so mad, but it was actually all her fault.
Maybe I just wanted them to look as cool as she did/does.
But guys, duh – short hair on women isn’t feminine/desirable/acceptable. When I Googled “Barbie with short hair,” I got a lot of images of terrible hack jobs and then, oddly, a lot of photos of Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj.*
Lessons learned: Barbies are evolving in the wrong ways, I need to try to perfect my Barbie hairstyling skills for when I have or know children whose parents let them play with Barbies,** and I’m gonna keep rocking my short hair, no matter what the mainstream says.
*And then I found THESE:
I shit you not, I was kidding around then I mentioned Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj Barbies. I am genuinely horrified that they exist. Ugh.
**Because I probably wouldn’t. Yeah, yeah, Mommy Dearest, whatever.