I think it’s only natural for a child to blame things on their parents, so here’s one for the list:

For my entire childhood (and even now), my mom had short hair. Here’s a photo of the two of us at The Trossachs National Park in Balloch, Scotland, from when she came to spend Christmas with me in 2010:

Aren’t we cute? We were freezing. Even for Canadians.

Now, I’m not up to date on the latest trends in the world of Barbie (I’m kind of too scared to even look it up lest I discover a Nicki Minaj Barbie with an inflatable ass or a Katy Perry Barbie with tiny cupcake tits or something equally over-sexualized), but when I was a kid, there was no such thing as a Barbie doll with short hair. So naturally I wanted to give all of mine a hair cut.

(Hell, even 20 years later, I can’t commit to a TV show, but I can shave half my head without flinching.)

I would never really have the intention of cutting off all of my Barbies’ hair. Sometimes I would just aim for a cute bob cut with some bangs. But one of two things would always happen:

  1. I would hit the scissor happy high, black out, and wake up to a bald Barbie doll.
  2. I would finish the cut, only to discover that Barbie hair is made to hang in one particular hair style, and that trying to force it into place with bangs and a blunt chin-length trim would NEVER work.

Long story short (oh yes I did), I would somehow always end up with an army of bald or ugly Barbie dolls.

My mom would get so mad, but it was actually all her fault.

Maybe I just wanted them to look as cool as she did/does.

But guys, duh – short hair on women isn’t feminine/desirable/acceptable. When I Googled “Barbie with short hair,” I got a lot of images of terrible hack jobs and then, oddly, a lot of photos of Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj.*

Lessons learned: Barbies are evolving in the wrong ways, I need to try to perfect my Barbie hairstyling skills for when I have or know children whose parents let them play with Barbies,** and I’m gonna keep rocking my short hair, no matter what the mainstream says.

I probably like shoes more than you. You know, despite the hair cut.


*And then I found THESE:

For real?!

I shit you not, I was kidding around then I mentioned Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj Barbies. I am genuinely horrified that they exist. Ugh.

**Because I probably wouldn’t. Yeah, yeah, Mommy Dearest, whatever.