When you have a really hectic job, you start to envy those people who seem to have it easy at work.

You know the ones.

The people who are like, “Yeah, I basically just have to man the fort – I get to read books and stuff.” And they get paid to do it! And in the meantime, you’re stuck working a job where you get paid next to nothing but can barely even go pee without everybody panicking because something’s gone wrong in your 30-second absence*, or a job where your boss emails you at all hours of the day and expects you to reply instantly, which often leads to you staying up until 2am finishing projects (s)he is late on.

So you dream about the day you can get paid to take it easy.

But let me tell you something, friends: if I’ve learned anything over the last few years, it’s that we folk who thrive in chaotic environments – even if we think we dislike them – do not cope well with having nothing to do.

Here are some things I have done at jobs when I’ve had nothing to do:

  • Gotten way too good at Solitaire.
  • Gotten in trouble for playing Solitaire when I “should have been working.” (My manager had no work for me to do at the time, and told me to play Solitaire. Some jerk from another department didn’t agree.)
  • Watched every episode of The Nanny. (Love it.)
  • Practiced speaking like Fran Fine from The Nanny. (I’m damn good.)
  • Gotten addicted to The Sims.
  • Eaten an entire tub of hummus with carrots. (Not all that unusual, but this happened in like, less than an hour.)
  • Eaten an entire tin of mints. (10 minutes, max.)
  • Watched every episode of The Big C.
  • CRIED. (Have you seen that show? It’s amazing.)
  • Written terrible haiku poems.
  • Flirted with boys I’m not actually interested in. (Not proud, but hey, we all do stupid shit sometimes. Pleased to say I’ve grown out of this. Mostly. Sort of.)
  • Painted my nails with whiteout.
  • Scraped off all the whiteout nail polish. (Because ew.)
  • Eaten the majority of a grocery run done on my lunch break.
  • Gotten high off Sharpie markers.
  • Practiced what my signature will look like when I marry a handful of different celebrities. (Always be prepared.)
  • Drawn caricatures of all of my coworkers on the sides of boxes to keep me company.
  • Found myself talking to the boxes more than could be considered healthy.
  • Internet shopping.
  • Facebook. Oh, the FACEBOOK.
  • Taken photos of myself with my phone.
  • Deleted all of the photos I’ve taken of myself on my phone.
  • Read the entire 50 Shades of whatever trilogy.^
  • Texted everyone in my address book in an attempt to have a conversation.

Here are some things I have not done at jobs when I’ve had nothing to do:

  • ^Read a book.

Need I say more?**


*Okay, 2-3 minutes. I’m not a super hero. (Not that I can tell you about, anyway.)

**Maybe I need to start taking Xanax…