What’s that? You want to hear about the worst first* kiss of all time?


First things first: this was barely even a date. But I guess the guy I was with thought it really, really was. I’m not going to go to into the details of the evening because I’m still trying to forget it, but after a painful chat over tea (which I had said no to, but got dragged to anyway), he basically just told me I had to drive him home.

The main reason I had said no to the chat and tea is that I was coming down with a cold and my throat was so sore, I was losing my voice by the second. I was in full-time school and full-time work. I was TIRED. And I was not having a good time. So all I could think was the faster I get this guy back to his house, the faster I can be home and NOT HERE.

And then this happened:

ANDREA and GUY sit in her vehicle outside his house.

ANDREA: Okay, have a good night. (SUBTEXT: Goodnight.)

GUY: Oh, uh… (SUBTEXT: He doesn’t want to leave my car.)

Five minutes of rambling, idle chit chat.

ANDREA: Okay, well, have a good night! (SUBTEXT: Please get out of my car.)

GUY: Uh, just, uh, I wanted to say – I mean I was wondering, uh, well the thing is I was really hoping to kiss you. (SUBTEXT: He wants a kiss.)

ANDREA: Oh, no, that’s – I don’t think so. (SUBTEXT: I do not.)

GUY: I’d really like to. (SUBTEXT: He really does.)

ANDREA: But you know what? I’m totally sick. So it’s definitely not a good idea. My throat is killing me. So thanks, and have a good night. I’ll talk to you soon – (SUBTEXT: I really do not.)

GUY: I never get sick. (SUBTEXT: He REALLY does and he’s changing tactics.)

ANDREA: I’m sorry? (SUBTEXT: WTF?)

GUY: I never get sick, so it’s totally okay. (SUBTEXT: PLEASE?)

ANDREA: No, no, I don’t want to make you sick. It’s not a good idea. (SUBTEXT: GET OUT OF MY CAR.)

GUY: I’m telling you, I never get sick. (SUBTEXT: PLEASE?!)

ANDREA: Well that’s – (SUBTEXT: WTF??)

GUY: In fact, I think you should kiss me, just so that I can show you that I never get sick. (SUBTEXT: KISS ME!)

ANDREA: What? (SUBTEXT: WTF!?!?!?!?)

GUY: We’ll kiss, and I guarantee you I won’t get sick from it. I’ll prove it to you. (SUBTEXT: PLEEEEEAAAAASSSEEE!?)

ANDREA: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Look, I really need to get going – (SUBTEXT: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!)

GUY: I swear, I never get sick – you should kiss me and I’ll prove it to you. I’ll prove you wrong! Just watch me! We’ll talk tomorrow and next week or whatever and I won’t be sick! (SUBTEXT: KISS ME KISS ME KISS ME!!!!!!!!)

Before ANDREA can say anymore, GUY is kissing her. Not just any kiss, but the wettest, sloppiest kiss ANDREA has ever experienced. His mouth is open well over hers, and she’s trying to just let it end like a virginal girl having really awful, fast sex with a virginal guy. At some point in the overly long moment, her chin gets licked. This is something she will never forget. It will haunt her until the day she dies.

It probably looked like this, but switch the gender roles and also diminish all intention from the Pete, the dude playing my part:


I don’t even remember what happened directly following that (I think I was in shock, to be honest), but thank fuck, he got out of my car. I’m not going to go to into the details of the aftermath of that “date,” because I’m still trying to forget that, too.

Anyway, you’re welcome. Sorry about the nightmares you’re going to have this week.

But that got me thinking. You can tell a lot about where a relationship (or lack thereof) is headed from a first kiss.

Take that story, for example, which we’ll just call SCENARIO 1: he’s a guy that has a really hard time letting go. Really hard.


Sorry – what was I saying?

Oh yeah!

SCENARIO 2: George** and I had an awkward first date at a mall cafe (ugh, I know…), which lasted 4 – yes, that’s FOUR – hours, the majority of which he spent either (a) staring at me, (b) talking about himself, or (c) convincing me not to judge/hate him for being a recreational hunter and fisher because I’m vegan.

SIDENOTE: I wasn’t even judging. I mean, deep down I was, just because I love animals, but I wasn’t during the conversation because I really just wanted it to be OVER.

At the end of the date, he hugged me shyly, then proceeded to smush his closed lips against my closed lips for probably 90 seconds.

So, SCENARIO 2: he’s shy, chaste, and he won’t really ever have anything exciting to say. (TRUTH: he was a nice guy, but way too much the guy I just described. And also, needy.)

SCENARIO 3: Martin and I were working together for the summer, and hanging out constantly for work led to hanging out constantly outside of work, which led to a short-lived relationship(?).

One night, we were leaving work and it was pouring rain. Ah, pouring rain on a summer night. So pretty! So awesome to be in! We had both arrived at our cars and were saying goodnight, me standing on the curb because I’m short, and him on the street because he’s not. He grabbed me and kissed me, and we kissed in the pouring rain long enough that some neighbours across the street talked about it the next day.

So, SCENARIO 3: he’s spontaneous, fun-loving, romantic, and a wild card. (TRUTH: all of which would work both for and against us. But it was fun while it lasted.)

So yeah, lesson one is you can tell a lot about a guy by the first time he kisses you, and lesson two is sometimes, you need to just slap a guy across the face and tell him to get the fuck out of your car.***

Two lessons in one? I’m spoiling you guys.


P.S. I tried to Google search “gross movie kisses” to find a photo for this post, but I didn’t find anything good. The search led me to “gross celebrity kisses,” and while the one above, yes, serves the purpose, it mostly seemed to me that whoever was compiling these photos for these websites just thinks kissing is gross in general. FYI.


**Not his real name. It was Geoff.

***Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.